Tag Archives: sex

Read This if Your Name Is ‘Hannah’

16 Feb

Dear LifeLock Identity Theft Protection Company,

Hannah Montana stole my identity. So much, that I think you should use her in your next jingle.

Love, Hannah.

I haven’t lost my financial identity to Hannah Montana. Billionaires don’t want current balances of $44. However, I still can complain that I have lost my name identity to Hannah Montana.

Because of her, I have a new “Hannah-Montana-script” in my life right now. It happens 60 percent of the time when I first meet someone.

Hannah-Montana-script example:

“Hi, how are you? My name is Sam. What’s yours?”

“My name is Hannah.”

“Oh, like Hannah Montana? Hahahaha…haha….”

(Not much response from me. I am only thinking, “Nope…another joke bites the dust…flourishes, shatters, and burns. To the crisp.”)

(Not laughing) “Hah, yeah…but, no.”

Hannah Montana is everywhere in my life and I’m over it.

Wikipedia says that she has been “active” since 2003. However, Miley Cyrus changed my life when her show, Hannah Montana, began in 2006.

BOOM. The year 2006 happens and my life changes in an instant.

2006: The script begins. I am happy at first. We secretly like to have something in common with billionaires.

2007: The script continues. Who is this girl, really? I mean, she is still okay.

2008: The script continues even more and I begin to work on keeping my fake responsive laugh (ending part of the script) civil and respectful.

2009: I go to Chile. HOORAY! The script will end! No English, no Hannah Montana!

(Double) BOOM, again. I realized the script wouldn’t ever end when I was weaving my way through the El Baquedano metro in Chile, only to find the doors slamming shut on me as I was late for class.

The doors were decorated in an unnecessarily large, glamorous picture of…

her. Hannah Montana.

2009 got worse. The script became a crutch. When introducing myself, I found myself saying,

“Soy Hawn-NAH.”

“¿Ohhh…que? ¿Tu nombre es que?”

“AW-NUH…como Ana.”

“¿Ummm….que?”

“Okay….como Haw-nah Mon-tawn-ah. Hannah Montana.”

“¡Ohhhh…como Hannah Montana! Ohhh….”

Oh, the life of having the same name as a billionaire teenager. Being constantly reminded at least 3 times a week is quite the experience. That will be about 132 more times in 2010.

I can’t wait for 2010 and all its Hannah Montana glory…

I am fully ready for the script and have PERFECTED the fake laugh ending to a tee.

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